Swan Song

Victor Engendela, 85, goes through an old photo album Tuesday June 2, 2009 and
finds a photo of himself with his partner of 20 years, an older man from Czechoslovakia.

I have always loved my uncle Louie, my mother’s brother. Even as a very young child I would feel excited whenever near him. He is now 94 years old, and I still love him—more than ever.

On his 90th birthday, after having treated him to a birthday lunch, when we were alone, I said to him "Louie, I must tell you something very important today, before it is too late. I must tell you that I have loved you all of my life."

He was very attentive, and looked into my eyes warmly. "I love you too," he replied, "You have always been a very good nephew."

"No," I continued, "I don’t mean only in that way, I mean in a sexual way as well."

It was very tense for a few moments as Uncle Louie struggled to understand what I was saying.

"Do you remember the night before I went overseas during the war? When we were alone for a few moments I kissed you goodbye. Do you remember that kiss?"

He thought for a few moments, then said, "Yes, I do remember; it was very touching."

I continued by explaining that I had always been interested in him sexually and had many fantasies about him; that I had masturbated many times, across the years, thinking about him and imagining how he looked nude; that I had always been very eager—and I still was-- to see him "down there."

"I often wished that you would let me see it" I added.

Well, needless to say, this confession was making Uncle Louie somewhat uneasy. We shook hands as I left and he relaxed noticeably.

The next time I picked him up to take him to the Senior Center, he said, "I’ve been thinking about what you said" "Do you really want to see me so badly?"

I said I most certainly did—and after a brief, silent pause, he said, "If you really want to see it so badly, I'll show you"…and he opened his pants and exposed himself to me.

I was so excited by this gesture that I immediately stroked his cock and balls. His cock was a bit smaller than I had imagined all these years, and I could see now that the bulge at his crotch that I had so often carefully studied was mainly because of his large balls. But that didn’t matter at all. I wasn’t disappointed. It was beautiful. He had just the right amount of foreskin and his cock was proportioned just right. His silver gray pubic hair and the hair on his body intrigued me. That was just as I had imagined it would be.

He pulled back and said in a surprised voice, "What are you doing?"

"Please let me play with it a little, please," I replied, "I won’t hurt you. Come over to the bed and just relax."

He did just that. He was puzzled but fascinated and tentatively willing to find out just what I was up to. As I slowly undressed him, he pointed to his cock and said that there was nothing there, that it had been all dried up for many years—since before his wife got sick and died, of cancer, and that he was too old for anything now. But even as he was saying this, his cock slowly reached a rather good ¾ erection!

"Look at it now," I said.

He was amazed at what was happening to him as I kissed him all over. He groaned so beautifully when I took his cock in my mouth. Can you imagine the excitement of this moment; how it felt to be finally living out my lifelong fantasy and how he felt having this first experience?

Well, Uncle Louie not only got an erection on his 90th birthday, he had an orgasm as well! He was groaning in ecstasy and excitement.

As I washed him with a warm wash cloth he said he had never had anybody do that for him before, certainly not a man, but that years ago he had wondered what it would be like. He was smiling and happy, and very proud of his accomplishment. He kept saying that he had never believed he could have sex again.

He called me the very next morning and said, "What did you do to me, Vic? I had a hard on again this morning!" I congratulated him and told him I would see him again in a few days to take him to the Senior Center as usual.

I hugged and kissed him when I greeted him. I slowly ran my lips across his. I could feel our excitement reverberate when I introduced him to a gentle French kiss. He took to it like a duck to water and said he had only tried that once with his wife years ago, but she didn’t like it and made him feel guilty for trying. I asked him if he wanted to lie on the bed. He said that he did and that he had been thinking about it all week. This time he began to play with me. He became fascinated as he watched my cock grow when he worked it up and down. I massaged him all over which he thoroughly enjoyed. I sucked him gently and persistently until he finally had an orgasm again. I assured him that this would not be harmful if we did it sensibly.

Across the years we developed a deep friendship, slowly changing our relationship from Uncle/nephew to intimate friends and enjoying our new "secret" as lovers. Both of our lives have been significantly enriched. The last time I talked to his daughter she said, "Dad has been doing so well, he seems to have gotten his second wind or something?" I had all I could do to keep from laughing. There was no way she could ever know what had really happened to her dear old dad.

Such a positive outcome must be acknowledged as important in evaluating what happened. Because I respected and loved Louie, I did not pressure him; letting him decide and always respecting his wishes and limitations. We continued to enjoy our sex about once a week, and eventually, as it tapered off, sometimes with and at times without an orgasm.



POSTSCRIPT: A few words about prevailing attitudes regarding less familiar sexual expression are in order. Unfortunately these attitudes are still seen mainly in negative or even pathological terms with little recognition of any potential for a positive outcome.

I believe that what transpired between me and Louie was beautiful. We were not experiencing this wonderful event negatively just because we were of the same sex or just because we are uncle and nephew. Instead we experienced a blossoming of our relationship to include some much needed, acceptable sexual pleasure for both of us in our later years. Uncle Louie renewed, and thereby enjoyed sexual expression in his late life. He would not have experienced this were it not for the "breakthrough"—my revelation to him of secret, innermost feelings of love—my sincere, open and direct invitation to him to respond. He did respond with curiosity, courage and the excitement of experiencing a new, wonderful adventure. This had a positive effect on his morale and his general physical well being. Our later years were enriched in an exciting, rewarding way, however limited because of his advanced age.

Sexual expression for many persons is a fact of life that goes beyond the confines of a legal marriage. Over zealous moralists have both over simplified and confused sex in futile attempts to control it by restriction, denial and suppression. But one could argue that the real moral issue is the quality of the sexual expression; whether sexual feelings are expressed honestly, creatively and responsibly, and, of foremost importance, with consideration and respect for one’s partner, whom ever that may be or, alternatively, if he engages in sex selfishly, exploiting and irresponsibly using (abusing without agreement) his partner. The issue is not whether one engages in sexual activity or suppresses it, in whatever mode, inside or outside a legal marriage, but the QUALITY of the sexual expression. In my estimation it should not be considered virtuous per se, to suppress any mutually acceptable sexual expression. The irrational expectation that all and any sexual activity would thereby be out of control is specious. Irresponsible sex, where one or the other partner is abused, is possible within or outside of a marriage.

The moral position that sexual expression should be the exclusive domain of the legally married couple, predominantly for the purpose of producing offspring, is patently naïve and untenable. Sanctifying sex on the one hand and relentlessly characterizing it as bad, dirty, sleazy, silly or perverse on the other hand has led to much (moral) confusion and frustration. Although we are slowly coming away from the attitudinal set that accepts the simplistic moral taboos and myths about sexual expression, many of us have been brain washed into this negative orientation early in life. In addition, the general attitude that one should not talk or think about these things persists. Suppression of any mutually acceptable sexual expression should not be considered virtuous per se. Some people continue to glibly make the "isn’t-awful" case that sex is too much and too openly talked about. I disagree. It is stereotyped sex, without love, that is being irresponsibly bandied about.

Sex within a legal marriage is not necessarily virtuous, as sex outside of marriage is not necessarily evil, in spite of our dogmatic insistence that it be so evaluated. Moralist should face and deal with facts about sexual expression in a bolder, realistic and humanistic way. Conventional marriage is not for everybody while some kind of sexual expression is important for virtually everyone at any stage of his lifespan. Society has not yet devised a workable paradigm that encompasses all aspects of human sexuality.

Attitudes have and are continuing to change, however slowly. Understanding the broad range of human sexual expression can and should lead to developing better operating, more inclusive sexual morality codes and laws than the ones we are currently stuck with. An approach which is not hampered by unreasonable fear about sex, one that considers the well being of ALL people, can only be developed when we shed our supernatural, devine-authority orientation in favor of a more enlightened, humanistic approach. This is particularly applicable in regards to elderly persons. We are living longer. Some accommodation to the sexual needs of the elderly is in order. Sexual expression should not be the exclusive domain of the young.

The unexamined life is not worth living. One can easily make the case that un-examined, unreasonable attitudes toward sexual expression are the source of our sexual problems. At any rate, human sexual expression in all its manifestations is certainly worthy of more courageous, objective exploration and open dialogue.

Victor Engandela ~ May. 2002 ~


I believe this story may have some further postscripts: Victor-J.-Engandela ~ February 14, 1924-October 8, 2011, articles.chicagotribune.com, and www.chicagotribune.com, and articles.chicagotribune.com

curation: chicago tribune